Mmmmmelinda's Conference Homily: The care and feeding of your fellow writers and editors and agents.

There few things I enjoy more than a good writer's conference--seeing old friends, making new ones and hanging in the halls. It's like going back to school, only better because there's usually a bar, occasionally decent food and often opportunities to learn about interesting new publishing trends, business buzz or fresh writing techniques. But I didn't always feel so positive.

I've attended RWA conferences since 1992 and have missed only two or three since. The first conference was a huge learning curve for me. I didn't know what to do or where to go or why I should. I went with my critique group, one of whom was a Golden Heart finalist that year and the other had an agent. I watched, listened, tried to figure out how this "culture" worked and I soon went into sensory overload. Too much input and I was rooming with a woman I didn't know well who proved to be an insomniac and compulsive talker. She even followed me to the bathroom door and stood outside talking to me. Again, way too much input for this girl who is known to need a lot of quiet time. Truth is, I'm pretty empathic and tend receive other people's emotional stuff, and at that time I didn't know it wasn't my stuff. I felt panicked, wobbly, very competitive and at times desperate. I called my DH, crying that people were so mean. He reminded me that I often felt "stuff" when in crowds and to try to relax, have fun. So, I put on my "I'm just fine" face and went on. That was when my critique group began to ask what was wrong. I couldn't wait to get on the plane. BUT that conference was my making, if you will. Though I suffered, I determined how things worked and what I wanted to accomplish. I soon figured out how I was going to "do" conferences so I could feel good and happy.

I formed my desired outcome for the next conference--to be a Golden Heart finalist and I wanted an agent. The next year, 1993, I was a Golden Heart finalist and my book was being looked at by an agent who asked for an "exclusive"--I promised not to submit my work to anyone else while he considered it. I didn't win the Golden Heart and the agent didn't take me on. However, the next year I did win the Golden Heart and an editor took me to dinner, saying to give her a couple of months and she could offer on the book. In three months her line folded and that book didn't get published until 1998.

At one conference, I went to down to breakfast alone. The room was full and I didn't see anyone I knew. There was one table with one woman, so I asked if I could join her and we began to talk. She was very shy but so nice and we enjoyed ourselves. My roommate finally joined us and I introduced her to my new friend. She gushed. "Oh yes," my roommate said, "I've been a fan of this lady for a long time." My new friend was a Harlequin American star who had written some twenty-five contemporary romances!

It can be very daunting and scary that these conferences seem to be about winning awards or getting on first name basis with editors and agents ahead of all those other writers. Yes, those are great outcomes we all want, but how to do that without becoming a bitch on wheels? The best way I know is to enjoy and get the most out of a conference is by reaching out to others, being friendly, being kind. Getting to know people, making friends, helping people.

If you watch any of the reality shows on TV, and I do, one of the most troubling things they all seem to say is, "I didn't come here to make friends, I came here to win." And by declaring that, they think all their selfish, nasty, usurious behavior is excused because "it's a game" and the object is to win. Be warned there are writers who go to these conferences who are playing that game. You meet them in the group editor/agent appointment where they monopolize the editor/agent's attention and time with their endless "me/my story" questions and pitch that takes up the whole time, leaving little for anyone else. That's one of the reasons I recommend a short, tight sound bite pitch that you can deliver in a couple of minutes that may be left to you in a group appointment.

What your mother told you is true--be nice, use your manners, you'll get more bees with honey. We all have the same goal--we want to sell a book and we want people to buy it. The first time I sat the RWA Literacy signing, I was overwhelmed with people who came by to buy my book. They weren't just friends, but people I'd met or somehow helpfully interacted with in the past and they were supporting me. I do the same for them. I've made friends of editors, agents and writers. My friends have helped me with an introduction to their publisher, editor or agent or a huge romance star and I have done the same for them.

My friend and contemporary and fantasy romance writer, Darcy Carson, is the founder of Eastside RWA in Bellevue, WA. She easily meets and converses with everyone at conferences. Darcy tells of one reception that she went to and the only place to sit was with a very famous author, who kindly invited Darcy to sit down at her table. They began to talk until a huge bunch of writers descended upon them, virtually elbowing Darcy out of the way. The star stopped them cold and, in true Southern lady style, she introduced each one of them to "my friend Darcy" and included her in each and every conversation. The lady was inclusive instead of exclusive, thus gaining a true friend who remembers her very kindly. We can only hope that we will be so well thought of for our small acts of kindness.

You will enjoy your conference experience the most if you reach out to others with grace and kindness. Introduce yourself to people and your new friends to others who join your group, because they will join you. Your attitude will draw people to you. Actually, whatever attitude you have serves as a magnet to draw people with the same attitudes to you. Go to your conference expecting to have a wonderful time and to meet many interesting people who may turn out to be a bestselling author, an editor with a New York publisher or superagent and writers just like you who may the best friends you'll ever make.

Success to you all!